*Here goes nothing! This is the first real post I wrote regarding the trying to conceive issue (henceforth known as TTC). Upon a few re-reads, its pretty offensive! Real, honest feelings aren't often pretty, and I'm a girl that VERY seldom shares heavy feelings with anyone. I mean ANYONE. I think this post is a good example of just how stressful the whole baby making process was for me, and keep in mind we'd already been trying for nearly a year by the time I wrote this. Pretty sure I just didn't want to acknowledge the emotions before this time, but Lord knows they were eating me up and had been doing so basically since the August prior to this May written post. If there's time, I may write some posts sharing more info on the first 4-9 months of TTC, since I think there's some helpful things I can impart from that part of the journey, too. We'll see. For now, enjoy Anna's angry inner monologue...and please, please, please try not to be offended! This is me getting real for a few minutes*
The Waiting Game - Written May 22, 2013
It's time for the same game I've played every 3 weeks for 11 months. Is it coming or is it not? I'm past the point of taking any tests, or following OPKs, or feeling my "middleschmertz" to determine when the "best time" is for us (that's BULL, people! I'm the QUEEN of mid-cycle cramps and they're just a bunch of teasing bitches to me now!). None of it has worked and its been a good while, so I'm to the point of just saying SCREW IT.
So everyone will tell you this: "Oh, just stop trying and it will happen." I'm sorry, have you ever met me? I'm notorious for being the most super competitive person, but I only like to compete with one person - MYSELF. I'll apply for positions just to see if I can get them. I'll enter a race just to prove it to myself that I can finish it. I'll take the LSAT just to see if I can get a good score. This whole, "stop trying" thing just doesn't happen for some of us. I can't just FORGET that there's an ovulation period and that is the best time to get pregnant. I can't just IGNORE my monthly visitor from Mother Nature and forget that its a monthly reminder of my failure. Sorry. That's just not something I can do. Is it really something other people can do, or do they just say that to make themselves feel better?? Ugh. [present day insert - I really feel this comment reflects the fact that we never endured infertility issues with Bridget's conception. Why? Oh right, she was a total surprise. Who knows how long we would have had to try for her if we'd tried to "plan" for a baby...]
Of course its no surprise to hear that my life is stressful. Whose isn't in one way or another? For me its the constant glass-ball juggling I referred to this past August, and I've gonna toot my own horn and say that for the past 9 months I've done a darn good job of holding it all together. In my mind, this peace in my crazy world is 100% due to the fact that I've been struggling with trying to get pregnant since last June. I don't think I've ever felt the kind of stress I feel for this struggle for anything else in my life before. More than anything, this challenge has made my heart grow for those couples who have struggled with infertility for months, years, life times. Wanting something so badly, trying everything you can, and knowing that there's nothing YOU can do. It's tough, ya'll. I won't lie. Don't even get me started on how aware you become of pregnancies and babies all around you. It's like a field of crab grass babies in my life! Just when you think you've ridded yourself of the stuff staring you in the face, more of them pop up THE NEXT DAY. That's another post for another day (and friends - one blessing I'm thankful for is that this struggle as not hindered my ability to feel true joy for those who've been blessed with new babies during this last year - in fact, I think it makes me even happier for those who've had success! Phew! 'Cause seriously, I'm SURROUNDED...).
Well, so I continue with the waiting game. Sure, I'm pretty positive my period will come any day now. If it does, so be it. I've gotten through the first 3-5 months where I was positive we'd get a "positive" because, HELLO, we already have proof that we can procreate! That was a real blow to the system when our "window of opportunity" that we were so looking forward to using this time (planning a pregnancy is GREAT! Get pregnant the exact right week so you'll deliver two weeks after finals! Perfect!) closed in our faces, since Bridget was a delightful surprise that arrived in our world two weeks into the start of the school year (not the best time for a baby, but hey...who cares). I've gone through the period of hope that maybe we'd just have a Christmas baby instead. Nope. I'm over the fact that if I ever have another kiddo, he or she will be too far removed from Bridget to be "best buds" while growing up. Oh well. So we're inching back into the "window of opportunity" again. Hey, if we make it to July without a two-lined stick, we get to start talking about fertility treatments. Joy, right?
I'm not sure when I'll post this. Depends on if I get pregnant EVER. Maybe I'll post it when and if we actually reach the one year of trying mark and head back to the OB office with the bad news. Who knows. It does feel good to get the feelings out there. Sheesh, its truly a laughing matter to me these days, honestly. Every time I get my period, I go through the same 24 hour roller coaster - sadness, bitterness, disappointment, pissed-off-edness, depression, forced relief (yay! i can still drink and try to lose weight!), and finally thankfulness. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR BRIDGET. We've been blessed with such a special angel - she's healthy, she's happy, she's perfect to us. I remind myself of that every time I start to get sad about baby stuff. There are people out there that want nothing more in the world than to feel the miracle of pregnancy and birth in their own bodies/families and that miracle never comes to them. Thank GOD for adoption as an option. We are truly blessed and whatever will be will be. Out of our hands. We've done all we can do for now. Let's see where parenthood finds us come July 2013, and if we're faced with the thought of fertility treatments, we'll meet the challenge of that decision with the same determination and gusto we always bring. Us Adamos are not too bad at challenges. Just ask my husband who's been dealing with 2 years of a working wife in law school. OK. Saving this post for now. What do you have in store for me next, life? We'll see :).