Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Well, well, well. Haven’t we all had a little bit of poster’s remorse once we set free a garbled mess of our opinions onto the world? Yes, I have that right now.
Let me begin with this: instead of selfishly saying, “please try not to be offended” as a preface to my last post, I should have simply said, “I’m so sorry to those of you who are offended by my words!” So, my apologies to you. Honestly!
Now to clarify a little bit about the start of our TTC journey. In hindsight, I seemed to ride on a steady roller coaster that shifted about every 2 months or so.
Phase 1: Stop taking birth control! March of 2012. Not because we were ready to have a baby, but rather I was out of my prescription and hadn’t scheduled another annual in time, so I was stuck with a June appointment. Me being the planner, I made sure we were extra careful those few months in between to avoid any early pregnancies. IDIOT! Did you know you’re much more likely to get pregnant within the first 2 months of stopping birth control as a result of your hormone fluctuations? Yeah…if I’d known then what I know now. Spread the word to all of your baby-trying friends!
Phase 2: This will be easy! Julie and Ryan were trying for a baby at the same time (why not? Abby and Bridget are born two days apart and its perfect – our pregnancies lined up just right so neither of us had to go cold turkey on alcohol alone – let’s do the same for baby #2!), and they got pregnant within the hour. I swear this to you. Yeah! To be honest, in June of 2012, J and I were still pretty nervous about another baby so we were taking things slow, plus we wanted a summer baby and not a spring baby…let’s time this just right! A positive test in August-November would be perfect. I told Dr. T we were going to start that summer, so we waived the BC prescription. All was well. This will be easy!
Phase 3: Um…why am I still getting my period?! Y’all. By mid-late August I was just sure this was happening. I’d started being more sensitive to any and every “strange” feeling, assuming it meant a tiny baby was inside here. I’d even told my friend at school that I should have an aisle seat for quick exits during bouts of morning sickness. I’d looked up potential due dates on the babycenter.com calculators. I was so naïve! Thankfully, we still had an open window. Unfortunately, I was starting to get stressed, which is NOT helpful in the bedroom. At all. Jonathan’s story is all his own, and I won’t go into that, but man did I learn a lot about how to deal with a man’s feelings on this whole TTC matter…
Phase 4: The window is closing. It was so sad and defeating. No summer baby. Jonathan started to think we should slow down on trying because we didn’t want another poorly-timed delivery (can you say an early September baby in a teacher family?! Not ideal!). I, however, was worried something was wrong. As we bumped up against our 6 month mark of TTC, I decided to call Dr. T for an appointment just to see what she would say. I’ll never forget this:
“I am so glad you didn’t wait until 1 year to come see me about this. Most people do and by that time they’ve wasted a good 1/2 year trying for a baby without ever knowing something is wrong.”
I’m telling all my friends this line from now on. Just go ask! It never hurts! Thankfully for us, after a one-day test for Jonathan and two tests for me, we were both given a clean bill of health on the reproduction scale. High hopes returned to us once again and we were ready to get started. Keep in mind the bedroom stress I was emitting was still not helpful…but guys, it ain’t easy to just turn that switch off, ya know?
Phase 5: I’m over a week late! This is it! Oh wait, screw it all. Yep. The first week of February put me at over a week late (by this point, I was pretty good at knowing my mostly-regular cycle…23-25 days). I’m talking like 33 day cycle here. I finally got the nerve up to take a test. Negative. “What?! No way?! I’ll retake again tonight.” No need. I’d gotten my period about 2 hours after taking the morning test. This is where I started to get dark on things.
Phase 6: Ok. Let’s keep “trying” except I’m totally OVER being stressed about it. This actually helped a lot! My marriage wasn’t as stressed over it (don’t get me wrong – still a TON of stress), and I had settled quite well into my monthly depression for 1 day, followed by forced joy (I can still drink! I can still lose weight!).
That brings us pretty much up to the post I wrote and posted earlier this week. We started an OTC hormone supplement called Pregnitude (yes, that’s its name! Horrid!) that May, but I didn’t notice a huge difference. Hello…we still didn’t get pregnant. More to come on my review of that stuff.
Again…apologies for being selfish! Apologies for being offensive. Hugs to all . And I’m not taking the time to proof read this. It is what it is. Til next post!
Monday, November 11, 2013
The Waiting Game - Written May 22, 2013
It's time for the same game I've played every 3 weeks for 11 months. Is it coming or is it not? I'm past the point of taking any tests, or following OPKs, or feeling my "middleschmertz" to determine when the "best time" is for us (that's BULL, people! I'm the QUEEN of mid-cycle cramps and they're just a bunch of teasing bitches to me now!). None of it has worked and its been a good while, so I'm to the point of just saying SCREW IT.
So everyone will tell you this: "Oh, just stop trying and it will happen." I'm sorry, have you ever met me? I'm notorious for being the most super competitive person, but I only like to compete with one person - MYSELF. I'll apply for positions just to see if I can get them. I'll enter a race just to prove it to myself that I can finish it. I'll take the LSAT just to see if I can get a good score. This whole, "stop trying" thing just doesn't happen for some of us. I can't just FORGET that there's an ovulation period and that is the best time to get pregnant. I can't just IGNORE my monthly visitor from Mother Nature and forget that its a monthly reminder of my failure. Sorry. That's just not something I can do. Is it really something other people can do, or do they just say that to make themselves feel better?? Ugh. [present day insert - I really feel this comment reflects the fact that we never endured infertility issues with Bridget's conception. Why? Oh right, she was a total surprise. Who knows how long we would have had to try for her if we'd tried to "plan" for a baby...]
Of course its no surprise to hear that my life is stressful. Whose isn't in one way or another? For me its the constant glass-ball juggling I referred to this past August, and I've gonna toot my own horn and say that for the past 9 months I've done a darn good job of holding it all together. In my mind, this peace in my crazy world is 100% due to the fact that I've been struggling with trying to get pregnant since last June. I don't think I've ever felt the kind of stress I feel for this struggle for anything else in my life before. More than anything, this challenge has made my heart grow for those couples who have struggled with infertility for months, years, life times. Wanting something so badly, trying everything you can, and knowing that there's nothing YOU can do. It's tough, ya'll. I won't lie. Don't even get me started on how aware you become of pregnancies and babies all around you. It's like a field of crab grass babies in my life! Just when you think you've ridded yourself of the stuff staring you in the face, more of them pop up THE NEXT DAY. That's another post for another day (and friends - one blessing I'm thankful for is that this struggle as not hindered my ability to feel true joy for those who've been blessed with new babies during this last year - in fact, I think it makes me even happier for those who've had success! Phew! 'Cause seriously, I'm SURROUNDED...).
Well, so I continue with the waiting game. Sure, I'm pretty positive my period will come any day now. If it does, so be it. I've gotten through the first 3-5 months where I was positive we'd get a "positive" because, HELLO, we already have proof that we can procreate! That was a real blow to the system when our "window of opportunity" that we were so looking forward to using this time (planning a pregnancy is GREAT! Get pregnant the exact right week so you'll deliver two weeks after finals! Perfect!) closed in our faces, since Bridget was a delightful surprise that arrived in our world two weeks into the start of the school year (not the best time for a baby, but hey...who cares). I've gone through the period of hope that maybe we'd just have a Christmas baby instead. Nope. I'm over the fact that if I ever have another kiddo, he or she will be too far removed from Bridget to be "best buds" while growing up. Oh well. So we're inching back into the "window of opportunity" again. Hey, if we make it to July without a two-lined stick, we get to start talking about fertility treatments. Joy, right?
I'm not sure when I'll post this. Depends on if I get pregnant EVER. Maybe I'll post it when and if we actually reach the one year of trying mark and head back to the OB office with the bad news. Who knows. It does feel good to get the feelings out there. Sheesh, its truly a laughing matter to me these days, honestly. Every time I get my period, I go through the same 24 hour roller coaster - sadness, bitterness, disappointment, pissed-off-edness, depression, forced relief (yay! i can still drink and try to lose weight!), and finally thankfulness. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR BRIDGET. We've been blessed with such a special angel - she's healthy, she's happy, she's perfect to us. I remind myself of that every time I start to get sad about baby stuff. There are people out there that want nothing more in the world than to feel the miracle of pregnancy and birth in their own bodies/families and that miracle never comes to them. Thank GOD for adoption as an option. We are truly blessed and whatever will be will be. Out of our hands. We've done all we can do for now. Let's see where parenthood finds us come July 2013, and if we're faced with the thought of fertility treatments, we'll meet the challenge of that decision with the same determination and gusto we always bring. Us Adamos are not too bad at challenges. Just ask my husband who's been dealing with 2 years of a working wife in law school. OK. Saving this post for now. What do you have in store for me next, life? We'll see :).
Friday, November 8, 2013
- Bridget's birthday interview (ugh...I roll my eyes at the thought of posting to youtube)
- Fall activities (pumpkin patch, school carnival, birthday parties, etc.)
- State Fair visits
- German invasion (the Broses are here for the entire school year! Awesome!)
- My birthday (oh wait, that's tomorrow...I'm not behind just yet!)
- I'm sure there's more crap on my phone/fancy camera that needs dumping
Timing just ain't on my side these days. Alas, I continue to have the best intentions. I'm thankful for a healthy family these days, a law school semester that is winding down, TONS of family coming in town for Thanksgiving (both sissies with husbands in tow, all the Adamo clan is already here...), and so many supportive friends to share life's ups and downs.
Soooo...this has happened:
Yep. My grand plans of waiting to post to the blog until I had an adorably cute photo of all the current Adamos holding brass instruments, with a lone, un-manned tuba sitting to the side with a sign saying "The Adamos will be a QUARTET - May 2014!"...or something cheesy but fun like that...yeah, that ain't gonna happen any time soon. This will have to do! And BTW - my belly looked extra poppy at that moment, so I captured it while I could. Pretty sure the cookie I scarfed from Starbucks right beforehand had something to do with the larger-than-13-weeks-should-look appearance...
We're so very thankful and happy to be on this journey, as its a gift we've waited a while to receive. I look forward to finally posting the many journal entries I've composed over the past few months, sharing my feelings of disappointment while we waited and waited for that positive pregnancy test to show up. So many couples/families wait years and years, often without ever seeing success, for their own precious baby to arrive. I was in agony after a few measly months! I think it's a story that should be shared, so I look forward to putting it out there in the open.
Regardless, we're pregnant! Agh! What are we thinking?! Well, we're glad to be given a clean bill of health in this, our almost 14th week. I no longer need to post and then save when chatting about baby stuff, so apologies in advance if non-chronological posts get confusing. I'll do my best to make them obvious!
Lastly, I've hesitated to put an "official" post of FB so far, mostly because I remember how painful it was for me to see (what felt like) post after post of friends sharing their joyful news (which was still SO JOYFUL for me to hear!) at this time of year. I'm going to do it at some point, but I've just found a different perspective on the whole thing, so I'm trying my best to be sensitive. But as I said, I'll put something official up soon, I'm sure. Until then, let's keep this to the blogosphere!
Happy my birthday weekend to all! Hahahaha :).